So, I recently got banned from the world of the Epare Labs. Something about “being a pest” and “actively serving as a distraction” and “breaking stuff.” So, in light of that, I decided to hang out at the Epare Bar with my friends Lenny and Carl. They’ve insisted that they’re not my friends and that I stop naming people after puppets or cartoon characters, but I say when they write the blogs they can name themselves whatever they like. While drinking from our Epare beer glasses, I was left to ponder the important things in life. Namely, what taste in beer snacks says about a person. So with the help of Lenny and Carl, we’ve concluded the following:
Beer nuts, peanuts (which aren’t actually nuts), almonds, cashews - There’s something inherently classical about sitting at a bar with your stout or lager, watching The Game, cheering for Your Team, and booing Those Bums. If you like nuts with your beer, you’re a traditionalist, you probably like short haircuts, and you’re convinced that frothy milk tastes better. You also probably think that people play their music too loud and that dessert is a “sometimes” thing.
Crunchy Pretzels! The other classic! A german tradition (sorta-kinda) that you can buy cheap pretty much anywhere. If you like crunchy pretzels with your IPA or Bitter, you’re probably the type who enjoys throwing backyard BBQs “just because” and enjoys the tranquility of a nice summer’s day on your self-made back patio. You also never read the instructions and tend to lose your phone charger.
It is either Oktoberfest, you’re proud of your German heritage, or you just think soft pretzels taste better than crunchy ones. You’re objectively right, by the way, they do. Otherwise, you and Crunchy are kind of twinsies. If you two get along, however, since it’s a bit of a toss up. You’re a bit… Softer than them. In a nice way. Like, you probably cry reading Nicholas Sparks novels. That can either make you a good buddy to your Crunchy friend, or their worst nightmare.
If you go with olives with your beer, you probably are only drinking a beer because you don’t trust the bartender to get your order JUST right. And you’re probably not wrong. You drip style and sophistication and probably eat a homemade breakfast before your five mile run everyday. Sadly, because you’re just so close to a James Bond character, you find normal things boring and can only drink the fanciest of fancy craft beers that are made in limited batches. Truly, your greatest gift is also your mightiest curse.
You put cheese on everything. Literally, everything. You’d put it ON your beer if that was feasible, and lord knows you tried. You like complex puzzles and always do your sudoku in pen, even the really hard ones they publish on Friday.
Chips and Dip
You’re a frat boy. Or frat girl. Sorority girl? You’re someone who likes their people, you like partying, you like taking it easy, and you’re a bit messy. But that’s okay! You clean up really well and you know when to put on your “serious business” face. Of course, there’s a huge debate on what your choice of dip and your choice of chip says about you, but the important thing is that it’s your go-to for beer snacks.
Patriotic, charming, a born leader, and a big eater. As someone who needs a mini meal with their beer, you have no qualms about a second dinner because you’re gonna work it off by doing some construction, playing football, or lifting heavy objects while looking at yourself in the mirror, thinking about how handsome/pretty you are. Everyone’s best friend, you’re the kind of person who has to take notes on everything in order to keep your head on straight.
You’re a loner, a rebel. A rebel without a cause and isn’t afraid to do some flavor layering that says “yeah, it might hurt, but I don’t care” while you put on your sunglasses and drive into the sunset on your Motorcycle. That or your buddy bought a box of Sour Patch Kids and you’re a bit peckish while drinking.
No matter how you take your beer, make sure you enjoy it out of one of our double-walled beer glasses and find whatever fits your personality in our Lifestyle section!